GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In
order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments
to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth
__ Near Death Experience
__ Other
(specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yaweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ God
__ G_d
__ None of the above, I was taken
in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here:
____
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and
told me to do it.
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Appolo
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon
__ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Other: _____________________
__ Barney Fife
__ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would
you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if
necessary)
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you
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